Goodbye 2008

It is with a joyful heart that I say goodbye to 2008. With excitement and anticipation I embrace 2009. As pastor Chris said Sunday, "Bring the good from this year into the new year and leave the bad behind." My goal for 2009 is to do just that. There will be no resolutions b/c a resolution is just something you do to change an outward situation. No resolution but a revolution to change from the inside out. I will pursue my purpose like never before. I will look inward and improve on my shortcomings and failures. I will serve my God with a sincere love for Him. I will focus on pleasing God and not man. I will give obediently...willingly...joyfully. Obedience not obligation. I will set goals...personal ones...spiritual ones...financial ones...business ones. I will meet them one by one. I will seek the heart of my Savior. I will seek His Word for Truth. And 2009 will be the best year of my life....so far! Following are some Scripture verses that speak volumes to me right now. "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." ~Isaiah 43:18-19 "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 3:13-14 "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud." ~Proverbs 16:18-19 "Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, 'If you abide in My Word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.'" ~John 8:31 "Therefore, if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." ~John 8:36 "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage....For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." ~Galatians 5:1, 13 "For thus says the Lord God: "Indeed I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out...so I will seek out My sheep and deliver them from all the places where they were scattered....I will seek what was lost and bring back what was driven away, bind up the broken and strengthen what was sick...and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I have broken the bands of their yoke and delivered them from the hand of those who enslaved them." ~Ezekiel 34:11-12,16,27 "We ought to obey God rather than men." ~Acts 5:29 "Also do not take to heart everything people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. For many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed others." ~Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 My prayer is that we all take the time to look deep inside and admit our own failures despite our human pride. That we restore relationships, renew friendships, and forgive hurts...love people for who they are not for what they can do for you. And that each of us will become better people and more productive for the Kingdom than ever before. Happy New Year! ~christy~

Pray for Baby Stellan

Click on the MckMiracle button to the top right of my page for more details on Baby Stellan. This baby is a miracle already and he is very sick with RSV right now. Spread the word to all the prayer warriors you know and keep checking the blog for updates on how he's doing. Our God still works miracles.

She's 4 months old...

ALREADY!!! Everyone has told me how fast time would fly. I believed them but you still cannot comprehend how fast until you count up the weeks, months, years, etc. And then you look back and wonder where it went. I remember when I was pregnant with her and knowing I only had 4 months left before her due date...it still felt like forever away. Four months came and another 4 months went, just like that! I cherish each day and love her more and more with each passing moment. She is such a sweet, content and happy baby and I know I am so fortunate and blessed. Here she is:

Rebel for a Cause

Everyone click on the button to the right of my page titled Rebel For A Cause. This will transfer you to a site where you can read about an incredible prize giveaway and help out some great ministries at the same time. The Canon Rebel XSI that is being given away is the exact same camera that I use for all of my photography. It's a great camera and this whole package giveaway is worth a great bundle. But what is best about this contest is that ALL of the proceeds will benefit the following 3 ministries: Proceeds will go to String of Pearls, a beautiful ministry that offers a nurturing and safe place for families as they navigate the path following a fatal prenatal diagnosis that will result in the death of their baby prior to, or shortly after birth. String of Pearls provides guidance, compassion and practical suggestions as plans to honor the life of pre-born babies are crafted. Proceeds will also go to benefit No Hands But Ours. No Hands But Ours is a China adoption resource site, specific to special needs adoption. It was created to provide information, encouragement and support for families of the children who wait and for those who wait no more. It is their hope that God would use this organization to encourage and equip ordinary people to do an extraordinary thing in the life of a special needs orphan, to give the gift every child needs and deserves...a family. The Elison Project helps to provide grants to families adopting special needs children from China, and collaborates with No Hands But Ours. Proceeds of this Raffle-Way will allow families to make an incredible difference in the life of a child. Your donation will help to bring His children home. Click on the button for more details on how to enter. The contest ends December 14th so hurry on over!!!!!

"I like my thumb and I cannot lie"

I should have seen it coming. I saw it with my own two eyes during an ultrasound. The pictures below show that she finally figured it out. Usually the thumb is in the mouth with the other 4 fingers plastered to her cheek sideways. I try to extract thumb and insert paci whenever possible. But when she loses the paci in the middle of the night and finds her thumb its not the end of the world. And its also just too cute to boot! I pray she grows out of it and we'll deal with the issue if it continues as she gets older. Until then, I'll just laugh when I watch the fingers get close to the mouth and see the birdlike behavior until she finds the thumb just where she wants it. You'd really have to watch the process to really appreciate its cuteness!! And lately, she prefers the thumb over the paci...silly girl! Below those are just some other random pictures. *See, I really am doing better*

She LOVES her little play mat and could lay there for hours squealing at the toys that hang down. Don't you just love those cheeks?! She's such a chubby butterball!

These pictures were taken after she finished her very first bottle with cereal in it. She liked it but it didn't make her sleep any longer like everyone told us she would! She's always been a great sleeper anyway so it's not a big deal in our world. I can hardly wait to see how she enjoys some real deal baby food! Just a couple more weeks and we'll find out.

Pictures of Newbie

Here are just a couple of pictures I snapped of Newbie this morning before I came to work. He was rather hungry so he didn't want to be still (hence the blurriness). See the claws...yeah...they hurt when jabbed in your leg at 6:30 in the morning! Theresa (the animal expert) says he's part Siamese. He's a pretty kitty! :O) I'll try to get better full body pictures when he's not hungry!

Newbie

Let me be the first to say that I am not a big pet fan. Certainly not a cat fan. I have nothing against pets at all. I just feel that I already have enough to take care of so the last thing I need is an animal to feed. If I were to have a pet I would want it to be a chocolate lab like the one Jordan and I had when we were dating. However, I still have no strong desire to have one right now. A few nights ago, Jordan and I were cooking supper in the kitchen when we kept hearing a cat meowing. Jordan looked on the back deck. I checked the garage. I opened the door to the basement. We could not figure out where the sound was coming from. Jordan opened the front door and in runs this vanilla colored cat (about 8 months old). My first thought was, "Oh, no! We are not keeping that." It had obviously been an inside cat and was used to people b/c it ran straight up to Jordan. The poor little thing was starving. We put it in the garage and opened up a can of tuna fish for it to eat and gave it some water. It scarfed the tuna down in seconds. Jordan put it back outside in hopes that it would wander away and maybe find its original owner. Yet days later, its still around. So, it appears that we are now the new owners of a cat. Since it has taken up residency at our house on Freedom Lane we decided it should have a name. We don't know yet if its a male or female so we chose a non-gender specific name. We wanted it to have meaning b/c of how it just appeared on our doorstep and the fact that its a solid almost white color which represents good things to me. We agreed and settled on Newbie...short for New Beginnings. The number 8 represents New Beginnings (2008), Ava was born in August (8th month) and this year has just been full of New Beginnings for us so the name just seemed so perfect!!!!! It's a sweet little cat and for as long as it sticks around we will claim it as our very own. I never thought I would have a pet cat but here I am anyway!!! So welcome to the family Newbie--we hope you like it here!

7x7

I am a blog stalker...in a good kind of way. I could not even tell you how I have stumbled upon some of the blogs that I follow regularly. A link here, a link there and then I'm hooked. Here is a link to one of the blogs that I follow. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/ Angie is the wife of Todd Smith who sings with the Christian group Selah. You can read about her and the story of Audrey on her blog. The 7x7 button on the right side of my page is a link to a list of 7 prayers that she prays over her children every day during certain times of the day. Click the button for more details. I am sharing the information with anyone who would love to join us in praying over our children. It is something that I have begun to do with Ava and for the times that she is awake and I speak these prayers over her she just illuminates with smiles and squeals. Call it coincidence or call it knowing her Creator's Words, either way, she LOVES it! And I know that it will begin to bloom and blossom in her life. So hop on over to the link and begin praying for your child(ren) today!!!!

Sad to say...

I am a photographer. I LOVE taking pictures. I take pictures for other people a lot. I love editing each image and seeing results that make my heart sing. When I was pregnant with my precious little girl I just "knew" that I would take a picture of my ever expanding belly month by month. I had all expectations from myself as well as others that my little girl would be the most photographed infant in the world. Yet I blog this today having only had 2 official photo sessions with her and that was at 8 days old and 4 weeks old. She is now 3 months old. Below are not even official photo session images...just some candids that I paused briefly to snap. And the images with mommy and daughter...THE FIRST of the two of us together since her birth. It's really sad...I'm not happy with myself. I'm quite disappointed and want to hang my head in shame. I believe it was yesterday when the explanation developed into my rational...no, irrational mind! I have not taken the time to do my own photo sessions with Ava b/c I've just been lazy. I have not taken pictures of the two of us together b/c of the complication of photographing myself. I have not taken pictures of her with her daddy b/c I have been lazy (and he's not thrilled about having his picture made either). I, also, have not taken pictures of her b/c I am a perfectionist. If I cannot take images that make my heart sing and follow all of the rules in my photography brain then I just do not take them. Thus I have not taken any. And I should be punished! So I have finally concluded that no longer will I not pick up my camera to just snap fun candids of my little girl to capture all of these growing and developing months. Whether they turn out to be the professional images I would hang on my wall or not, I shall capture my beautiful daughter as she grows. Because I never want to forget each stage in her life. So, I, along with everyone else who follows this blog, should EXPECT more images to come! I must change my ways and it must begin now!!! :O) So below are pictures of Miss Ava...3 months old and 13 pounds. The cutest little chunky monkey in the world!!! She has the smile that lights up my entire world!! And yes, she is strongly resembling her daddy these days. I'm unsure if I'm ok with that or if I hope she grows out of it! LOL It still will not change how adorable and beautiful she is!

Trust

I begin this blog with a question or two. Can you say its easy to lift 100 pounds of weight if you've never had to or tried to lift 100 pounds of weight? Of course you can "say" that it is. But it doesn't make the statement true. Can you say its easy to trust if someone has let you down yet never have experienced broken trust or betrayal of trust? Yes, you can "say" it but it doesn't make the statement true. Ask a wife whose spouse cheated on her. Ask a son whose father abused him. Ask a daughter whose mother walked out on her. Ask someone who put all their hope and faith in someone only to be misled, misguided, crushed, or abandoned. Will they tell you its easy to trust? No! If they're honest, they will tell you how difficult it is to work through the hurt and the brokenness. They will tell you how they feel they were kicked to the curb and left there all alone. They will tell you how high and deep they've built the walls around their hearts to protect them from experiencing such devastation again. To ponder on such situations and circumstances, can you whole heartedly point the finger at them for being selfish and wrong for not trusting God with their lives? There's more to a person's situation and circumstance than what we see in our own eyes and what we understand in our own intellect. Does our knowledge and intellect justify our judgment? You can call it fruit inspecting if you'd like but look deeper into the trunk of the tree. Who stabbed a sword in it? What event took place that altered the tree from producing a good harvest? Rather than assume someone is wrong for their lack of trust in people or in God, would compassion for their past not produce a better result? Would praying earnestly to God for a recovering and healing of the wound not speed up the process for an abundance of good fruit? A good fruit tree has a good root system. And a good root system goes deep, deep, deep underground and cannot be seen unless you dig it up. Deep inside there's a struggle going on between what has happened in the past and what they want for their future. Deep inside there is a battle between what they know is true and what they have experienced before. When truth and experience collide on unequal fronts then a bigger battle rages. It cannot be won overnight. It will take time to fight it out and when the battle is over and the wounds are fresh, it will take even more time to heal and recover. Pointing a finger of accusation for a lack of trust is unjustified. "Judge not, lest ye be judged." Weigh that. It's heavier than you think. For all who have been hurt, whose trust has been broken, who have felt the sting of betrayal, who are wandering aimlessly with no direction any more, I pray for you. I pray the hurt ceases, the wounds heal, the sting is erased and the future becomes clear again. Through all of those situations and circumstances I pray your trust in God begins to replant itself deep into your heart, soul and spirit. Only in Him can and will you flourish. You do not have to stay in the desert wasteland any more. Does it mean you'll be on your way today? Tomorrow? Only God knows. But I pray it happens for you faster than you think and you can bathe in the love of the Savior Who really will never let you down. Take your eyes off of man and place them solely on Christ. Everything that you need is found only in Him.

"What?!"

There are some things in life that make you say, "What?!" And it seems to be a very popular phrase on my lips the last 2 months. Just when you think you've figured things out... Just when you thought you had faith in everyone... Just when you thought life could not be more perfect... Just when you believed the best in everybody... The "Just when's" could go on but for the sake of time I'll cut it short...After the "What?!" comes the "Why?!". I'm still asking. why?! Two in one week...I'm a little proud of myself. ;o) I guess I'm feeling very insightful and deep this week...well, I've really felt that way a lot lately but its slowly coming to the surface. I'm sure there will be more to come.this one is short though...I could almost guarantee you'll ask yourself the same questions when you finish, all in an attempt to really know and understand what I could be talking about...you can wonder and ponder but you just won't figure it out. mysterious. yeah. but I can only trust my Jesus with the real reason...cw

So...

I realize even more now that its been a REALLY long time since I blogged here. I've been updating my photography blog more often so this one has just been neglected. For a few more pictures of my new baby girl you can view that blog at http://www.cwphotographyblog.blogspot.com/.

I'll do my best to catch everyone up in the briefest way possible.

Little Miss Ava was born on August 5th, weighing 6 pounds, 3 ounces. She was 19.5 inches long and the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. I really never knew something so small could capture my heart in such a huge way. Before that moment I could not comprehend just how much of an impact this little miracle would make on my life nor did I realize how much my life would change and that I would LOVE every minute of it. I can remember what life was like before her and I can look back and see how void and empty it really was. She is my inspiration to be 100% more than I am and ever was before.

You can never appreciate or understand a mother until you are one. I know that full well now. There is nothing that I would not give to do what's best for her. There is no sacrifice too big. I'd give all that I am, all that I have to see that she is taken care of and has all she needs. Through her tiny life God is revealing so much of Himself to me. I'm slowly beginning to understand His love, His heart, His passion. I can even relate to His jealousy and the depth of knowing that jealousy is more real to me than I ever thought conceivable. I want to be the one to take care of her, to provide for her, to comfort her, to correct her, to push her towards becoming who she is to be. I want to be the one she loves, the one she smiles at, the one she laughs at, the one she tells her secrets to--her best friend. And in those same words I hear the voice of my heavenly Father echoing them back to me. "I want to be the One to take care of you, to provide for you, to comfort you, to correct you, to push you towards becoming who you are to be. I want to be the One you love, the One you smile at, the One you laugh at, the One you tell your secrets to--your Best Friend." In hearing those words my heart breaks with shame b/c I know that He has not held the place in my heart that He should for a while now. It makes me scream out for forgiveness and to pursue Him again. In the midst of difficult times since Ava was born I have sought the shelter of my own arms, my own words, my own walls. I should have run after Him. I should have fallen into HIS arms and allowed HIS words to comfort me, encourage me and help me to understand. Instead I found myself with a longer distance to run to get closer to His embrace. The fog and the haze is lifting and my vision and focus is becoming clearer. I'm looking for His face and I am seeing Him in the eyes of my daughter. Draw me closer. Closer.

Baby

As I looked back over some of my most recent blog posts, I realized that I have never posted a blog about my ultrasound, finding out the baby's sex, and what the baby's name is and all of the latest news about my baby. How terrible of me!! Although, I am quite certain that the ones who actually read this blog are already well aware of these details, I will not be satisfied until they are officially blogged. April 16, 2008 we had a routine ultrasound done. They have to check to make sure all of the organs are developing properly and that everything is on track and healthy. I was 20 weeks at the time and far enough along to determine the baby's sex if we so desired. Which we did. Let me first say that all the old wive's tales were pointing to me having a boy and I had pretty much convinced myself that I would really not find out differently. As the technician lady is looking at everything she asks if we want to know if its a boy or a girl. When we both nodded in agreement she scanned down to where the legs were and aimed for a good view between them. I was extremely disappointed b/c she did not spend a lot of time looking over that area nor pointed out anything to us to give us a clear indication of her final conclusion. Her statement was, "Well...I don't see anything hanging so I'm going to say it's a GIRL." And that was it. I began to cry. Not so much out of disappointment but in a little disappointment mixed with the emotion of my baby now has an identity...although not a name! We were just set on a boy and had that name secured and we couldn't agree on a girl name so we wanted to confirm the baby's sex first. If we needed a girl name instead, then we would diligently search after the fact. So, we walked away from our ultrasound appointment without a convinced confirmation that it was a girl. We felt like we could not confidently say, "It's a girl." We would add the tag line, "Well, at least that's what the technician says." My dilemma was that my insurance would only pay for 2 ultrasounds so I was done. If I were to have any more I would have to pay for it myself and we just didn't have the money to do that. A friend of mine mentioned a local technical college that trains ultrasound technicians and they do ultrasounds for free for training purposes. Was I ever quick to make that phone call! I would be happy if the baby was a girl but I just needed that peace of mind to know for sure. On April 24, 2008, Jordan and I went for the freebie ultrasound. The students definitely took more time b/c they were being graded on locating certain organs of the baby. We were there for 2 hours and got to watch our baby put on a show for everyone. We asked if they could confirm the sex for us and they said they would look but the teacher would have to come in and confirm what they saw. The students got a straight up view between the legs and pointed out 3 little lines for us and said that means a girl. The teacher came in and confirmed it and got another angle of the same shot and we could see 3 little humps which confirmed the girl status indefinitely. We walked out of that appointment with peace and a confident declaration, "It's a girl--for sure!" I called my mom and said, "Let the shopping for pink commence!" Jordan will have his little princess and she will have him wrapped around her finger. As for her name...I had loved this name for the longest time but Jordan just was not having it. After endless searching of baby names from A-Z I could not find anything else I loved more. Jordan could not give me a reason for not liking the name so I was really getting frustrated. He finally said to me one day, "Say it like you're talking to her." So I had to say her name as if I was literally talking to her. A couple days later he began calling her that. I asked him hopefully, "So, does this mean that is her name?" "No, I'm just trying it out." A week went by and still no definite name. Then, one afternoon, he says, "You can have that name if you want it." "Really?! You like it enough and we can call her that?" "Yes!" Hallelujah!!! So it is now official--*Ava Jordan* is her name (we'll just call her Ava). It just seems to fit now and her name means "a voice" in German and I know that she will be a voice for her creator and first love, Jesus Christ. Oh the plans that He has for her!! I can hardly wait to see them unfold! So anyway...once the girl status was confirmed the shopping began. God showed us favor at the huge indoor yard sale that we went to one Saturday morning. We were able to furnish her entire bedroom for $150! Huge changing table/dresser combo, crib, small dresser, bookcase, and a desk/shelf combo with a small chair. We have to do some touchup painting and replace knobs on everything but for $150 you couldn't have touched that anywhere else. We were so blessed and thankful! Over the course of several weekends at yard sales my mom and I have managed to fill her closet full of clothes. It's really quite ridiculous when you look at it and know that I haven't even had my first baby shower yet and she has more clothes than she will probably be able to wear! But we're always looking for a deal and a bargain and we've been blessed to find so many. We even found a bassinet that vibrates for $25! I'm loving it! I just walk in her room sometimes and get overwhelmed with picturing a real baby laying in the crib and knowing she will grow up and play in that same bedroom. It still blows my mind! But I am so looking forward to it. Just 3 months to go! Well, I know it was a long blog but I didn't realize I had so much catching up to do. I'm actually going to have another ultrasound done on June 5th just for the fun of it. We didn't get any pictures the last time we went so I plan on getting some this time. It will be amazing to see how much bigger she has gotten. She's just a roly poly lately; tumbling from one side to the other! It's an incredible experience and I am quite thankful God chose the woman to experience this. Hopefully I will stay on top of the postings....until next time!

Jordan

There's at least one time in everyone's life when someone will walk into your life and completely change your course in life...hopefully for the better. Such a moment happened for me almost seven years ago when I met the man I now call my husband. God placed him in my life at a time when I had settled in my heart to be single and live overseas on the mission field for the rest of my life. I had come to a place of peace in "knowing" marriage was not for me. God was testing my spirit to see if I would just surrender MY WILL for HIS. When He saw the sincerity of my soul, in walked the man of all my hopes, dreams, wishes and fears. Yes! I said fears. Relationships scared me-heartache and heartbreak were too comfortable in my life; trust was something earned yet seemed so unattainable. Marriage frightened me. Every young girl dreams of her wedding day, right? Well...not EVERY one. It was a far fetched dream that could never be a reality in my life. Or so I thought. Sunday, May 11th, I will celebrate the day that God brought my miracle to Earth. Twenty seven years ago when he took his first breath God betrothed him to me. It would take 23 years of my life to meet him but I would wait another 23 years if I had to just to be with this amazing man. May is a special month, not only b/c its his birthday. It's also the month he proposed and the month we married in. Five years ago on May 17th we committed ourselves to the Lord and to each other. In one moment, every dream was fulfilled and a new flood of hopes and dreams were conceived. I give God the glory b/c this relationship has been one that has surpassed anything I ever could have imagined. I want to recognize His divine hand and plan in everything that we are, everything that we do and everything that we have. Without Him, none of this would be. So, one man changed the course of my life, my plans, my thoughts, my dreams, my everything. Would I go back in time to change it? Not for anything this world has to offer. In honor of the most wonderful man to walk into my life, I want to share 27 things I love most about him for his 27 years here! These are in no particular order. Jordy:

1. I love your heart for the Lord.
2. I love your desire to serve Him in all you do.
3. I love your passion to please Him in word and deed.
4. I love your compassion--not just for souls but for humanity in general. Your heart is bigger than this world and that blows my mind.
5. I love how you love me and you're not too proud to tell me a hundred times a day.
6. I love how you tell me you think about me all day and it still gives you butterflies. And how you tell me how beautiful I am even when I'm wearing no makeup and my hair is in a ponytail.
7. I love when you make up silly songs at random times when we're together. *yes, I really do.*
8. I love when you make that annoying screech sound in the garage that deafens my ears even though I swat at you EVERY time you do it. It's just a part of you and that's why I love it.
9. I love that you will make time to study, pray and seek God's face on what's best for our family. And you will work diligently to put His plans into practice no matter how uncommon or unpopular it may be.
10. I love that you're not afraid to work hard, sweat or get blisters and calluses on your hands b/c you're not a lazy man.
11. I love the wisdom that pours out of you. I really am amazed at all you know.
12. I love when you help around the house when you know I've had a busy week or I'm not feeling well.
13. I really love when you cook dinner! :o) But I love it when we cook together even more!
14. I love how our nieces and nephews adore you b/c you're not ashamed to just be a kid with them.
15. I love how you encourage me and lift me up when I've had a bad day or going through a difficult situation.
16. I still love it when you kiss me on the top of the head and hold my hand in the car.
17. I love your excitement about becoming a daddy and having a Super Princess. And how you can hardly wait to be wrapped around her tiny finger...and her heart!
18. I love that you will be the daddy to her that I always wish I'd had.
19. I love your spirit!
20. I love how you always celebrate my birthday with the Week of Christy even though I don't return that favor to you!
21. I love how quickly you can make a decision...You ALWAYS help me make decisions when I'm shopping for myself...you ease my frustration!
22. I love that you are willing to go grocery shopping with me even though there's always something else you could and would rather be doing.
23. I love when you fill my car up with gas for me and will even make a special trip just to do it!
24. I love how you see the best in me when I can't.
25. I love knowing that you pray for me and that you sacrifice so much for me. You really do.
26. I love the security and stability that you are in my life. Knowing you will always come home to me brings more peace in my life than you realize.
27. I love you b/c you are YOU. You were knit together in your mother's womb just for me. Even though that is just a fraction of your purpose, you light me up inside.

Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary! I look forward to all that lays ahead. I love you more today than a thousand yesterdays combined!

*iloveyousomuch*

What About Now?

Last night I watched Idol Gives Back. I'm not really sure it was a good time to watch a program of that emotional magnitude considering I seemed to be having an emotional day anyway. It must be a pregnant thing! :o} I guess it all started with a phone call from Jordy. He spent the day in Selma yesterday to take his grandmother, JoJo, to the doctor. I had talked to him around lunch time and he said he planned to leave Selma around 2pm b/c he wanted to be home around 4pm to work on the message for Thursday night. I had tried to call him on my way home to see how close to home he was but I went straight to voicemail every time. I was very tired so I laid down on the couch when I got home around 4:30pm. Jordan still was not home. My cell phone battery was dying so I put it on vibrate so it wouldn't beep constantly and I could rest in silence. I had gotten a couple of calls but none of them were Jordy so I just ignored them and went back to napping. Around 6pm Jordan finally called. He was just leaving Selma...which means it would be 8pm before he got home. I was a little disappointed that he would not be home sooner but I was also disappointed that I couldn't get in touch with him earlier to know that he was still ok and had not left yet. He began to tell me that JoJo was not doing well at all and that she just talked to him for so long that he couldn't leave. She made him take her all over Selma to see different sites there and they just spent some time together. Jordan said, "This may be the last time I ever get to do anything like this with her again." That was such a weighty statement on my already emotional feelings and then I felt somewhat guilty for being upset at all. Jordan kept apologizing to me but he really had done nothing to upset me. When we got off the phone with each other tears began to roll down my cheeks but I still really didn't know why. Jordan called me right back and then we were in another discussion about me crying and he was apologizing even though he had no reason to be apologizing. I was just having some really weird emotions going on. I said all of that to brief you on my real intention for this blog post: I'm watching all of these video clips of some extremely destitute situations here in the United States and Africa on Idol Gives Back. I'm immediately overwhelmed with a sense of sadness for the people directly affected by these circumstances. I have always had a very compassionate heart for those in need and seeing these videos just caused that heart of mine to expand even more. Since having spent time in Africa myself and being able to understand the poverty these people live in I am always touched and moved by any humanitarian work that takes place there. The last clip they show is when the group Daughtry went to Uganda. If all of the other videos were not enough, Daughtry had to go to the very country that has my heart because that is the country I have been to on 3 different occasions. The song they are singing is "What About Now" and video clips of the children are flashing on the screen and clips of the guys from Daughtry interacting with them. This resulted in a flood of tears falling from my eyes now. I am now done for. Jordan kneels down beside me to ask me what's wrong and is just concerned about me. I couldn't answer anything. In a moment like that I just want to soak up that feeling and emotion that is coursing through my body. I could not decipher it then. I'd have to ponder those thoughts and feelings before I could explain them. Here they are: If you read some previous posts you will see that I've been in a state lately that I feel as though every day is a day without purpose. I feel that the monotany of my every day life is not impacting or changing anything around me. I get up at the same time every morning. I go to the same job and do the same thing I've done for the last 10 1/2 years. My job is not a humanitarian project that leaves me feeling fulfilled and accomplished at the end of the day. In watching all of those videos I was transported to the memories I have of really making a difference and watching a life being touched before my very eyes. I reflected on a children's summer camp in St. Petersburg, Russia. Doing arts and crafts with the children and playing volleyball. I remembered my little twin Masha, with her long blonde hair and hungry blue eyes. She was attached to my hip every day and I just loved on her and spent time with her. I reminisced about Vacation Bible School in Belize. Hearing chants of "Miss, miss. Can you help me with my bracelet?" Singing "My Father's House" while all the kids danced around. Carrying kids around on piggy back at least 1500 times but you just couldn't tell them no so you'd do just one more. Going to bed at night thinking there's no way you'd be able to move the next morning. I traveled back in time to each Uganda trip where God would move in different ways under different circumstances. My heart breaking every time a child would hand me a letter that would bear the same information: My mom and dad have died from AIDS and I am orphaned. I need money for school fees. Secretly wishing for all of the money in the world to rain down from heaven to supply every need for every child. Walking away wondering, "how do we help them all?" I guess to sum it all up, watching Daughtry's video reminded me of the time when I felt like my life made a difference. I feel that I am not living a life that makes a difference on a daily basis and that upsets me and it makes me long for that. It redirected my focus on what really matters in life and what's most important. It's not the things I own: the new house we built, the new cars we drive, the latest fashion trends or the coolest vacation spot. It's reaching out to change the life of another in a positive way and most importantly sharing Jesus with them so they can have the hope of an eternal life in Heaven. That's the difference I want to make. Sometimes I may waver from that direction but I know that its my destiny and purpose in life so God will always take his staff and pull me gently back to the right thing. When will we make a difference? When will we start to make our lives count? What about now?!

Test Time

I don't really know anyone who enjoys taking tests. When I was in high school I always did better if I crammed for the test right before class. Everything was fresh on my mind and I could remember answers much easier. So you can imagine my displeasure if I walked into class to find out we were having a Pop Quiz! The fear and panic that would overcome me would make my stomach draw up in knots. I hated them! I would be on pins and needles until I found out my grade. Oh, I can remember those days so easily! I can honestly say this today though...tests in high school were much easier than the tests God will put you through to develop your character and to make you everything He wants you to be. I had a Pop Quiz this week at work. I wasn't prepared...but I should have been. That's what happens when you haven't spent a lot of time "studying" like you should...do you know what I mean?! You just can't cram for a God test! You pass those tests by spending a lot of time in His Word and learning Who He is. I didn't fail my test but I don't think I made a very good grade...not the grade I would have liked. I'd say I passed with a C+. To begin with I didn't respond the way I should have. But I think I scored high on the bonus question at the end: What did you learn from this test? I learned that even if I am right and I am being punished unjustly while those around me are the ones in the wrong, I should not lash back out. I learned that any attack against me is not a physical attack but a spiritual attack. The Bible says that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against the principalities of darkness." The people who are involved were just puppets on the devil's strings that he used to strike out against me. I also learned that I cannot justify retaliation when My Lord and Savior was silent before His accusers. He was crucified yet did no wrong. I have now shared in His suffering. I can now relate a little more to the weight my Savior carried. Yet I've not even scratched the surface of the real pain He suffered or the heartbreak He felt...that even I was to blame for. Though I was hurt, angry and upset, I was not innocent. But Jesus was. Through the revelation He gave me just today, the burden and weight I carried has been lifted. My attitude has changed. And through that, even the very atmosphere that I have struggled to endure is not the same. The ones who attacked are now cordial and even speaking to me again. I know and believe the shift came about with the simple revelation He gave me and the change in myself and my attitude. It's difficult to learn these lessons the hard way. But if He can find me faithful to the end regardless of what I must suffer, endure or go through, then I will have passed! That is my heart's desire: to be found faithful and that lives would be changed in the process. Father, I thank You for loving me enough to chastise me when I was in the wrong. Thank You for revealing the meaning behind this test and opening my eyes to the spiritual side. Thank You Father that You still find me worthy enough to break me to pieces and throw me in the fire again until You can see a spotless reflection in me. Your love never fails to amaze me. I love You!

Dying

Live for You by Connersvine All that is within me, cries out to You, My Lord, My God and King For You alone can cleanse me and set me free (chorus) I want to live for you...I want to die to me...I want to be empitied...I want to be freed...From all that holds me capitve...all that brings me down...All that's tried to lose me...Now that I've been found...I want to live for You. Here in this hour, Leaning on Your mercy, Your throne of grace; You are all I am after, the beauty of Your face; (bridge) All I am, broken on the ground...In Your hands, Knowing You surround me Lord; Father, now I know that I am Yours A Time to Die by Connersvine Here I am alone again; the rise and fall against the wind; Alive I'll be the last to carry on. I see the writing on the wall, For every dream to crash and fall, And tremble like the darkness at the dawn. (chorus) This is the time to die...This is the time to separate...This is the time to celebrate...Leaving this world behind; the time to die; The waters have risen high again...And all of my idols tremble in the wake of Your love divine So raise me from my bended knees, Who bow to things that cannot see, And lift me to a place where I stand, Replace my heart and all I lack, And place the wood upon my back; The cross of my dear Lover, Savior, Friend So take my dreams and take my wealth; And all betrayal You have felt, Take them as a tool for sacrifice; To work, to kill or even still, Your kingdom dreams to fulfill, Today this altar is my stage for life. First of all, if you have not heard of these guys (Connersvine) or you do not have their CD, I strongly encourage you to get it. It is an amazing and awesome CD! Here's a link to their Myspace page: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=64484632 These two songs explain a lot about where I am in my life right now...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. it comes after a short season of silence, questions, doubts and uncertainties in my own personal walk with the Lord. When my breakthrough came so did the battle and attacks. I was naive to think they would lie dormant and full of faith to think they would not get the best of me. Thankfully, they only succeeded in revealing more of the me that I've grown to dislike and even despise. The selfish part of me that rears its ugly head more often than I desire. The part of me I fight to place on the altar. The part of me that regresses two steps with every step I take forward. The part of me that struggles for status and prestige against humility. That's the inward battle that came to light in the midst of a "physical" battle on my job. Although I feel I have been treated unfairly and injustice fills my work environment, I know in Whom I have believed. I know that although there are many times I disappoint Him, He is still my Constant and the ONLY One in Whom I can fully trust and rely on. He is my Judge and my Defense. Without a doubt, there is NOTHING that can separate me from His love. nothing I say or do can ever change that. Though others speak all manner of evil against me I will NOT be shaken or moved from my faith. I refuse to GIVE the devil my joy or my hope and desire for more of Christ and less of me. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy and I refuse to be his victim. "Greater is He that's within me than he that is in this world." May this serve as a reminder to him and every pawn he uses that he has no power, authority or dominion over my life. I am victorious through Christ and I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me. So, my prayer shall continue to be: "Less of me and more of You. No matter the injustice that surrounds me, may I still be found faithful in Your sight. May this flesh burn on Your altar unitl You see a perfect reflection of all you are within me." *~Burning~*

Still here...

Although I'm convinced that my co-worker, Kim, is the only one who reads this blog, she enjoys reading it even though she's well aware of what goes on in my life on a daily basis! If for no one but her, I shall continue to blog! ;O) I had another doctor appointment yesterday. When Dr. Straughn walked in the room she asked, "So, are you feeling pregnant yet?" My reply was, "No, not really!" I was fortunate, praise the Lord, to go through my first trimester free of all the morning sickness. Most days I had to remind myself that I was pregnant because my body showed me very little promising signs. Even though my clothes are feeling more snug, I still do not have the "obvious" baby bump...it's just a bulge! I also, have not felt any movement yet so I continue to remind myself that I am pregnant and everything is fine. Back to my appointment: I lay back on the table and lift my shirt up. She squirts that yummy jelly stuff on my tummy (ha!) and moves the doppler around trying to find a heartbeat. She moves it in several places with no detection of a heartbeat and I begin to feel nervous. She says, "Honory little thing. Must be a boy!" We both chuckled and I replied with, "I hope so. We don't have a little girl name yet so a boy would make things much easier right now." She managed to find the heartbeat soon after that and it was in the 150's this time. My last appt. it was in the 160's so it has slowly decreased every month. While we're listening we hear this "thump" sound. Dr. Straughn says, "That's the baby moving." The baby was pretty active b/c she'd have the heartbeat coming through the doppler and then you'd hear the thump and she'd have to find the heartbeat again. It was so amazing to hear the baby moving b/c I cannot feel it yet. I was relieved to hear the life inside! Although it may sound strange to say this, but, this all still feels so surreal. I still cannot fathom that this is really happening to ME. I feel so blessed and honored and yet in the midst of those wonderful feelings I cannot help but feel overwhelmed and nervous. I'm sure these are all normal emotions for a first time mother-to-be so that brings me relief. Jordan was disappointed that he was not able to be there with me to hear the movement. I will have an ultrasound done next month and we will get to find out for sure what the baby is! That is the moment that we have both been anxiously awaiting! I'm just so ready for my baby to have an official identity now. We can call the baby by the name that we have chosen (which, if its a girl may still be a while!) and can begin to work on furnishing and decorating the right room! We are excited about that! Jordan said that he's just ready to hold our baby in his arms and he believes that this baby will bring a new joy into our lives that we have been missing lately. Just 5 more months to go! Another new and exciting thing in my life right now is this:

My brand new digital SLR came in yesterday and I could not be more thrilled! I can start taking more pictures now without a concern of film and processing fees. I love that! I also have some news about my own photography business. This is a new endeavor for me and I'm really excited about it. I am officially launching:

[cw] photography

I am booking appointments now, so if you're interested in having any type of portraits done please feel free to contact me. My photography email address is christywphoto@yahoo.com. I will have a website coming soon! Jordan and I are going to spend this weekend in Atlanta for a much needed getaway! We are going to spend all day Saturday at Stone Mountain. I am looking forward to this in a big way! The weather is going to be beautiful and I am thankful that Spring is finally here. It's one of my most favorite times of the year. I love seeing everything spring back to life after a dead, cold and dreary winter. Everything is so bright and colorful and so full of vitality. I think such weather and surroundings also boosts our individual moods too. I feel happier each day being able to walk in the warm sun and cool breeze. These are the times that I wish I could be outside from the time the sun comes up till it sets. I just love it! I hope everyone enjoys their own beautiful weekend and may everyone reflect on the greatest sacrifice ever made: the death and Resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ! He is worthy to be praised and remembered not just this weekend but every day of the year! *Love*

So its been a while...

And its been such a slow, boring day at work that I've been playing Sudoku most of the day. Suddenly, Kim has this bright idea that I should write in my blog. Yes! Great idea, Kim! I'm sorry to have kept anyone from wondering if I'd ever blog again but here's the latest news from my corner. I hope you enjoy. So, I had my first ultrasound on January 23rd. There is only one baby according to the ultrasound. There are some who are still in disagreement with that but as of right now that is all they saw. Everything looked normal and at the time the baby was measuring to be approximately 8 weeks and my official due date is September 1st. Today I am 10 weeks and still feeling fine. No morning sickness at all and I am very thankful for that. The baby's heartbeat was extremely fast (173.88 bpm). Of course, I cried when I heard that first sound of life beating! The technician said that she could guess the baby's sex by the heartbeat and she guesses the baby to be a boy. But some have said the faster heartbeats are for girls so I don't think anyone really knows. My next ultrasound will be at 20 weeks; around the middle of April. I will be able to find out the baby's sex at that time and will be able to see who's right and who's not. hee hee! I have always wanted a little boy first but as all pregnant women would say, I just want them to be healthy. Jordan, naturally, wants a little girl. He wants a Daddy's girl really bad. Time will tell. It amazes me to know that the baby's sex was determined as soon as the sperm met the egg. My baby's identity has already been created but its still a mystery to me. The Lord is knitting my baby together day by day until he or she takes their first breath that God breathes into his/her lungs. I have heard the time flies by but I feel like its gone by so slowly thus far. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that this is my first so I am constantly keeping track of every minute detail which just seems to make the time drag. When I put it in the context of "I can find out the baby's sex in just 2 months" it doesn't seem so long! How am I doing physically? The last 3 or 4 weeks were quite draining. I would get tired and fatigued quite often throughout the day. I have noticed that slacking off this week and I'm able to function better. I do have to eat something as soon as I get up in the morning so that I do not feel so weak after I get out of the shower. My appetite has greatly increased and I hope its all due to the baby. I feel like I eat all the time and that I hardly ever seem to feel really full. I am trying to eat good snacks and not just junk food. I keep a lot of fruit on hand for my munchies. I'm sure that I've gained a sufficient amount of weight but I haven't outgrown my clothes yet. My pants are getting a little more snug and uncomfortable but I haven't officially made any transition just yet. I can see the difference in certain areas that others cannot see (fortunately--trust me!!)! I'm really ready to actually look pregnant and not just appear to be packing on some pounds...if you know what I mean! :O) I want to take this opportunity to say how wonderful my mother is! She has decided to buy me a pack of diapers every week between now and the time the baby gets here. Can I just say what an awesome blessing that is?! I know that will prove to be a major money saver for me later. I'm very excited about it. She bought me some of the Pampers swaddlers. I couldn't resist pulling one diaper out of the pack just to look at. It still blows my mind to think that in just about 7 months I will be holding my own little one. This is definitely a dream that I really never imagined would be true in my own life. I can say that I don't think I could want anything more. And I also don't believe there could have been a more perfect time for God to bless our lives with such a miracle. I'm still amazed. I'm still overwhelmed. And I am still very excited! I also want to say that if you are keeping up with my blogs just post a little comment for me to read. I would love to know who's visiting this little blogspot from time to time. It would really make me smile in a big kind of way! =) I LOVE YOU!!

It's surreal...

On December 29th I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. I took the test simply to put my mind at ease that I was NOT pregnant and that I missed my cycle just b/c I had been so stressed recently. As that 2nd little line started popping up (quite clearly) I was in disbelief. "Surely not," I thought to myself. It was around 6:30 in the morning and Jordan was still in bed. I had started crying when the realization of the very defined line hit me...it was a good cry, an overwhelmed cry. I walked over by the bed and said, "Babe?" He peaked his head out from under the covers and asked what was wrong. He said he tried to think if he'd heard the phone ring or if something bad had happened. When he saw the test in my hand he said, "You're pregnant?!" I couldn't even speak. I just nodded. He grinned from ear to ear and pulled the covers back for me to get back in bed. I laid down and all I could say was, "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" I was completely overwhelmed of the reality of what was taking place. We had not been trying to have a baby but we had stopped trying not to and just left it in God's hands. When He felt it was time it would all happen. It was His time...sooner than I had expected it to be but I'm still elated! We had our first doctor appointment yesterday and the doctor confirmed that I am pregnant...I was relieved that so many symptoms were not just in my head! :O) I am about 6 weeks along. We have our first ultrasound on January 23rd. We both really want twins so we're believing that we will see 2 when they do the ultrasound. Last night I even dreamed I was hearing 2 heartbeats. Everyone has said that we would be the one to have twins and we have excitedly accepted that! We will know indefinitely on the 23rd! Even now it all just seems so surreal. Like a fairytale. I was the young girl who thought she'd never get married. I was the girl who wanted hundreds of children but never thought I'd really ever have them. To know that I do actually have life growing inside me really just blows my mind and I am in awe and wonder at God's whole design of creating these lives within me. They are already little warriors for God and we will speak into and over their lives every day. They are fearfully and wonderfully made! I can hardly wait to see them for the first time. So this year has already been amazing for us. We have moved into our new house and we will fill it up sooner than we expected to! God is so awesome and His timing is so perfect. We wait with anticipation and expectation for our little miracles to arrive!!! WOW!