What About Now?

Last night I watched Idol Gives Back. I'm not really sure it was a good time to watch a program of that emotional magnitude considering I seemed to be having an emotional day anyway. It must be a pregnant thing! :o} I guess it all started with a phone call from Jordy. He spent the day in Selma yesterday to take his grandmother, JoJo, to the doctor. I had talked to him around lunch time and he said he planned to leave Selma around 2pm b/c he wanted to be home around 4pm to work on the message for Thursday night. I had tried to call him on my way home to see how close to home he was but I went straight to voicemail every time. I was very tired so I laid down on the couch when I got home around 4:30pm. Jordan still was not home. My cell phone battery was dying so I put it on vibrate so it wouldn't beep constantly and I could rest in silence. I had gotten a couple of calls but none of them were Jordy so I just ignored them and went back to napping. Around 6pm Jordan finally called. He was just leaving Selma...which means it would be 8pm before he got home. I was a little disappointed that he would not be home sooner but I was also disappointed that I couldn't get in touch with him earlier to know that he was still ok and had not left yet. He began to tell me that JoJo was not doing well at all and that she just talked to him for so long that he couldn't leave. She made him take her all over Selma to see different sites there and they just spent some time together. Jordan said, "This may be the last time I ever get to do anything like this with her again." That was such a weighty statement on my already emotional feelings and then I felt somewhat guilty for being upset at all. Jordan kept apologizing to me but he really had done nothing to upset me. When we got off the phone with each other tears began to roll down my cheeks but I still really didn't know why. Jordan called me right back and then we were in another discussion about me crying and he was apologizing even though he had no reason to be apologizing. I was just having some really weird emotions going on. I said all of that to brief you on my real intention for this blog post: I'm watching all of these video clips of some extremely destitute situations here in the United States and Africa on Idol Gives Back. I'm immediately overwhelmed with a sense of sadness for the people directly affected by these circumstances. I have always had a very compassionate heart for those in need and seeing these videos just caused that heart of mine to expand even more. Since having spent time in Africa myself and being able to understand the poverty these people live in I am always touched and moved by any humanitarian work that takes place there. The last clip they show is when the group Daughtry went to Uganda. If all of the other videos were not enough, Daughtry had to go to the very country that has my heart because that is the country I have been to on 3 different occasions. The song they are singing is "What About Now" and video clips of the children are flashing on the screen and clips of the guys from Daughtry interacting with them. This resulted in a flood of tears falling from my eyes now. I am now done for. Jordan kneels down beside me to ask me what's wrong and is just concerned about me. I couldn't answer anything. In a moment like that I just want to soak up that feeling and emotion that is coursing through my body. I could not decipher it then. I'd have to ponder those thoughts and feelings before I could explain them. Here they are: If you read some previous posts you will see that I've been in a state lately that I feel as though every day is a day without purpose. I feel that the monotany of my every day life is not impacting or changing anything around me. I get up at the same time every morning. I go to the same job and do the same thing I've done for the last 10 1/2 years. My job is not a humanitarian project that leaves me feeling fulfilled and accomplished at the end of the day. In watching all of those videos I was transported to the memories I have of really making a difference and watching a life being touched before my very eyes. I reflected on a children's summer camp in St. Petersburg, Russia. Doing arts and crafts with the children and playing volleyball. I remembered my little twin Masha, with her long blonde hair and hungry blue eyes. She was attached to my hip every day and I just loved on her and spent time with her. I reminisced about Vacation Bible School in Belize. Hearing chants of "Miss, miss. Can you help me with my bracelet?" Singing "My Father's House" while all the kids danced around. Carrying kids around on piggy back at least 1500 times but you just couldn't tell them no so you'd do just one more. Going to bed at night thinking there's no way you'd be able to move the next morning. I traveled back in time to each Uganda trip where God would move in different ways under different circumstances. My heart breaking every time a child would hand me a letter that would bear the same information: My mom and dad have died from AIDS and I am orphaned. I need money for school fees. Secretly wishing for all of the money in the world to rain down from heaven to supply every need for every child. Walking away wondering, "how do we help them all?" I guess to sum it all up, watching Daughtry's video reminded me of the time when I felt like my life made a difference. I feel that I am not living a life that makes a difference on a daily basis and that upsets me and it makes me long for that. It redirected my focus on what really matters in life and what's most important. It's not the things I own: the new house we built, the new cars we drive, the latest fashion trends or the coolest vacation spot. It's reaching out to change the life of another in a positive way and most importantly sharing Jesus with them so they can have the hope of an eternal life in Heaven. That's the difference I want to make. Sometimes I may waver from that direction but I know that its my destiny and purpose in life so God will always take his staff and pull me gently back to the right thing. When will we make a difference? When will we start to make our lives count? What about now?!

Test Time

I don't really know anyone who enjoys taking tests. When I was in high school I always did better if I crammed for the test right before class. Everything was fresh on my mind and I could remember answers much easier. So you can imagine my displeasure if I walked into class to find out we were having a Pop Quiz! The fear and panic that would overcome me would make my stomach draw up in knots. I hated them! I would be on pins and needles until I found out my grade. Oh, I can remember those days so easily! I can honestly say this today though...tests in high school were much easier than the tests God will put you through to develop your character and to make you everything He wants you to be. I had a Pop Quiz this week at work. I wasn't prepared...but I should have been. That's what happens when you haven't spent a lot of time "studying" like you should...do you know what I mean?! You just can't cram for a God test! You pass those tests by spending a lot of time in His Word and learning Who He is. I didn't fail my test but I don't think I made a very good grade...not the grade I would have liked. I'd say I passed with a C+. To begin with I didn't respond the way I should have. But I think I scored high on the bonus question at the end: What did you learn from this test? I learned that even if I am right and I am being punished unjustly while those around me are the ones in the wrong, I should not lash back out. I learned that any attack against me is not a physical attack but a spiritual attack. The Bible says that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against the principalities of darkness." The people who are involved were just puppets on the devil's strings that he used to strike out against me. I also learned that I cannot justify retaliation when My Lord and Savior was silent before His accusers. He was crucified yet did no wrong. I have now shared in His suffering. I can now relate a little more to the weight my Savior carried. Yet I've not even scratched the surface of the real pain He suffered or the heartbreak He felt...that even I was to blame for. Though I was hurt, angry and upset, I was not innocent. But Jesus was. Through the revelation He gave me just today, the burden and weight I carried has been lifted. My attitude has changed. And through that, even the very atmosphere that I have struggled to endure is not the same. The ones who attacked are now cordial and even speaking to me again. I know and believe the shift came about with the simple revelation He gave me and the change in myself and my attitude. It's difficult to learn these lessons the hard way. But if He can find me faithful to the end regardless of what I must suffer, endure or go through, then I will have passed! That is my heart's desire: to be found faithful and that lives would be changed in the process. Father, I thank You for loving me enough to chastise me when I was in the wrong. Thank You for revealing the meaning behind this test and opening my eyes to the spiritual side. Thank You Father that You still find me worthy enough to break me to pieces and throw me in the fire again until You can see a spotless reflection in me. Your love never fails to amaze me. I love You!

Dying

Live for You by Connersvine All that is within me, cries out to You, My Lord, My God and King For You alone can cleanse me and set me free (chorus) I want to live for you...I want to die to me...I want to be empitied...I want to be freed...From all that holds me capitve...all that brings me down...All that's tried to lose me...Now that I've been found...I want to live for You. Here in this hour, Leaning on Your mercy, Your throne of grace; You are all I am after, the beauty of Your face; (bridge) All I am, broken on the ground...In Your hands, Knowing You surround me Lord; Father, now I know that I am Yours A Time to Die by Connersvine Here I am alone again; the rise and fall against the wind; Alive I'll be the last to carry on. I see the writing on the wall, For every dream to crash and fall, And tremble like the darkness at the dawn. (chorus) This is the time to die...This is the time to separate...This is the time to celebrate...Leaving this world behind; the time to die; The waters have risen high again...And all of my idols tremble in the wake of Your love divine So raise me from my bended knees, Who bow to things that cannot see, And lift me to a place where I stand, Replace my heart and all I lack, And place the wood upon my back; The cross of my dear Lover, Savior, Friend So take my dreams and take my wealth; And all betrayal You have felt, Take them as a tool for sacrifice; To work, to kill or even still, Your kingdom dreams to fulfill, Today this altar is my stage for life. First of all, if you have not heard of these guys (Connersvine) or you do not have their CD, I strongly encourage you to get it. It is an amazing and awesome CD! Here's a link to their Myspace page: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=64484632 These two songs explain a lot about where I am in my life right now...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. it comes after a short season of silence, questions, doubts and uncertainties in my own personal walk with the Lord. When my breakthrough came so did the battle and attacks. I was naive to think they would lie dormant and full of faith to think they would not get the best of me. Thankfully, they only succeeded in revealing more of the me that I've grown to dislike and even despise. The selfish part of me that rears its ugly head more often than I desire. The part of me I fight to place on the altar. The part of me that regresses two steps with every step I take forward. The part of me that struggles for status and prestige against humility. That's the inward battle that came to light in the midst of a "physical" battle on my job. Although I feel I have been treated unfairly and injustice fills my work environment, I know in Whom I have believed. I know that although there are many times I disappoint Him, He is still my Constant and the ONLY One in Whom I can fully trust and rely on. He is my Judge and my Defense. Without a doubt, there is NOTHING that can separate me from His love. nothing I say or do can ever change that. Though others speak all manner of evil against me I will NOT be shaken or moved from my faith. I refuse to GIVE the devil my joy or my hope and desire for more of Christ and less of me. The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy and I refuse to be his victim. "Greater is He that's within me than he that is in this world." May this serve as a reminder to him and every pawn he uses that he has no power, authority or dominion over my life. I am victorious through Christ and I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me. So, my prayer shall continue to be: "Less of me and more of You. No matter the injustice that surrounds me, may I still be found faithful in Your sight. May this flesh burn on Your altar unitl You see a perfect reflection of all you are within me." *~Burning~*