"What?!"

There are some things in life that make you say, "What?!" And it seems to be a very popular phrase on my lips the last 2 months. Just when you think you've figured things out... Just when you thought you had faith in everyone... Just when you thought life could not be more perfect... Just when you believed the best in everybody... The "Just when's" could go on but for the sake of time I'll cut it short...After the "What?!" comes the "Why?!". I'm still asking. why?! Two in one week...I'm a little proud of myself. ;o) I guess I'm feeling very insightful and deep this week...well, I've really felt that way a lot lately but its slowly coming to the surface. I'm sure there will be more to come.this one is short though...I could almost guarantee you'll ask yourself the same questions when you finish, all in an attempt to really know and understand what I could be talking about...you can wonder and ponder but you just won't figure it out. mysterious. yeah. but I can only trust my Jesus with the real reason...cw

So...

I realize even more now that its been a REALLY long time since I blogged here. I've been updating my photography blog more often so this one has just been neglected. For a few more pictures of my new baby girl you can view that blog at http://www.cwphotographyblog.blogspot.com/.

I'll do my best to catch everyone up in the briefest way possible.

Little Miss Ava was born on August 5th, weighing 6 pounds, 3 ounces. She was 19.5 inches long and the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. I really never knew something so small could capture my heart in such a huge way. Before that moment I could not comprehend just how much of an impact this little miracle would make on my life nor did I realize how much my life would change and that I would LOVE every minute of it. I can remember what life was like before her and I can look back and see how void and empty it really was. She is my inspiration to be 100% more than I am and ever was before.

You can never appreciate or understand a mother until you are one. I know that full well now. There is nothing that I would not give to do what's best for her. There is no sacrifice too big. I'd give all that I am, all that I have to see that she is taken care of and has all she needs. Through her tiny life God is revealing so much of Himself to me. I'm slowly beginning to understand His love, His heart, His passion. I can even relate to His jealousy and the depth of knowing that jealousy is more real to me than I ever thought conceivable. I want to be the one to take care of her, to provide for her, to comfort her, to correct her, to push her towards becoming who she is to be. I want to be the one she loves, the one she smiles at, the one she laughs at, the one she tells her secrets to--her best friend. And in those same words I hear the voice of my heavenly Father echoing them back to me. "I want to be the One to take care of you, to provide for you, to comfort you, to correct you, to push you towards becoming who you are to be. I want to be the One you love, the One you smile at, the One you laugh at, the One you tell your secrets to--your Best Friend." In hearing those words my heart breaks with shame b/c I know that He has not held the place in my heart that He should for a while now. It makes me scream out for forgiveness and to pursue Him again. In the midst of difficult times since Ava was born I have sought the shelter of my own arms, my own words, my own walls. I should have run after Him. I should have fallen into HIS arms and allowed HIS words to comfort me, encourage me and help me to understand. Instead I found myself with a longer distance to run to get closer to His embrace. The fog and the haze is lifting and my vision and focus is becoming clearer. I'm looking for His face and I am seeing Him in the eyes of my daughter. Draw me closer. Closer.